I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
