So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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