I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
