so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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