Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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