Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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