this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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