I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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