he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
