So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
