is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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