A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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