The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
one might say we're banned from that church
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
