I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
