my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
