Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
