Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
