I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
