Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
