Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
