I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He? As in you personified your dick?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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