I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
