i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
