I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I need mimosas to revive my soul
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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