Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
