I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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