No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
