how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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