No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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