I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
