If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
