just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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