So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
