So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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