Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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