How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
