Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
