life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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