My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
