The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
