Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
