Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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