Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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