you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Fuck appropriateness.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
