He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
