this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
