Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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