in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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