dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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