hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
