I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
